The Finish Line?

 
“Like a phoenix rising, I have risen from the flames” (1979, Dan Fogelberg) may be a bit dramatic to describe the way I feel, but there is definitely a difference after stopping the hormone deprivation treatment. My numbers are good, but there’s a sliver of trepidation in discontinuing the abiraterone (abby), as it shuts down the corruption that painted me into this corner in the first place. But the wheels were coming off. It was hard to regulate my emotions and the constant threat of breaking a bone was beginning to wear on me.
I’m still taking Lexapro. I started it when I began the cancer treatment. It dampens down the anxiety and depression that have been huge factors in my life. It slows and reduces my reactions to things that would otherwise trigger me, which would send me down a road I no longer wished to travel on. And I am sure that it helps B as much as it helps me.
I’ll continue with the Tamsulosin as it helps me pee (28 sessions of radiation in the swimsuit area can change things). Not to put too fine a point on it, but it could be a while before my libido returns or getting my junk working again. At this point, I’m just glad to have a future.
I talked with B, and we agreed that it was time, so after nearly 20 months of pills, poking and prodding, I messaged my care team and stopped last week, 4.5 months before I was scheduled to do so. I met with my oncologist, just the two of us in a room for 30 minutes, and he supports the decision wholeheartedly. So here I am.
When the cancer returned in 2024, I made quite a few changes to my life; retired 1.5 years early, went vegetarian, started doing more yoga, etc. I missed an opportunity to make those adjustments after purging it from my body in 2013. I’m not missing that chance again. And all it took was the threat of mortality.
I am getting my strength back. I swim a couple times per week. I lift weights a couple times per week. I walk and use yoga poses to stretch every day (I hesitate to say I practice yoga because the prospect of inner piece makes me anxious). And I’m meditating again, which was hard to do when smoking as much weed as I was. I stopped smoking the same day that I stopped the abby. Yesterday we swam in the morning and played tennis in the afternoon. The former is my favorite exercise now, maybe I should have waited a few more weeks before pursuing the latter.

In many ways, I feel like I’m finally getting my shit together. And it’s only taken 65 years! Looking back, I’ve been dog paddling in the deep end, barely surviving since tossing the booze on 12 Oct 86. When my son was in high school, I used to tell him, “Going through life with a bong in one hand and your dick in the other is not a recipe for success. If it was, we’d all be doing it”. That’s advice I should have followed myself. Of course, I am speaking metaphorically about wasting time, which I have done far too much of. Now, my goal is full remission and to fill my life with positivity & peace. With a little luck and effort, I may have balance as well, something I’ve only seen from a distance. Ideally, I have 20 more summers coming. There is a slight possibility that corruption could return in a decade, so I’m not wasting a second.
B is an amazing partner, providing unlimited support and being a sterling example of how to approach life, regardless of its snares and snags. Through her, I am beginning to see the beauty of it all and I want that perspective for myself. I am so lucky to have such a kind, smart and caring human to walk the path with me (come to think of it, maybe I’m walking with her). Prior to our retirement on 1 Jul 24, she worked long days in a demanding job (which she loved, mostly), biking back and forth to Seattle for 20+ years while raising two kids and maintaining a home. We talk about everything, discussing issues and working out solutions together. Although I defer to her judgment in many areas as she’s way smarter than me. There are not enough words in the English language to accurately describe my gratitude for all the things she is and does.
We had to euthanize our sweet little guy, Vinnie last Friday evening. He was a rescue we got during COVID. We’re pretty sure he was feral when Riverside, CA animal control grabbed him. But he settled in quickly and soon carried our hearts around in his 15 lbs. frame. He leaves a huge hole. Thankfully, his brother Fred is still here to provide that canine energy and unconditional love. Pets are the best. Dogs & cats are the “Guardians of Being” (2009 Eckhart Tolle, illustrated by Patrick McDonnell).
Most of the side effects from the meds are still present, GI issues, insomnia, mood swings, hot flashes & body aches, the hot flashes and the body aches being the most prevalent. I’m told it will take 2-4 months to subside. Since the beginning of March, I walk with a slight limp, but I’m still able to walk :)

I’m scheduled for an infusion at Harborview tomorrow morning to help strengthen my bones. Maybe we can stop at the Seattle Art Museum on the way back to the ferry dock. I love standing in a room, stuffed to the rafters with creativity and talent. Doing so grants me a brief reprieve from the shit show we see each day in this country.

Nearly forgot to mention, I was accepted to read my work at the Fisher Poets Gathering in Astoria at the end of Feb. It was an amazing experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORY5yDa1PiY&t=11s  
It may sound hokey or cliché, but all things being equal, I am the luckiest man on the planet. Cancer has been an eye opener. I feel truly blessed, as I am learning to know myself and I like what I see. With two decades in front of me, I hope to lean in, be a better human and enjoy the simple things life has to offer.
More to follow…